104.1kg.
Sorry to be blunt, but THANK FUCK.
I needed that. I needed inspiration to stay motivated, and that was it. I needed something to stop me turning to my drug of choice, and this result has.
I now want to keep going, and keep workoing towards a healthy weight.
Sigh.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
For the first time in a long time...
I feel in control.
My life has been a downward spiral for a number of months now, and I feel like I have taken comfort in the one thing I can control - what goes in my mouth.
I started my medication last week. Up until then, I was medicating myself with food. Bad food. I simply stopped caring. Of course it didn't treat my depression, but it took away the pain for a while.
I bought 2 family size kit kat blocks and ate them. In one go. At the same time. Then vomited.
I bought 6 Jim Beam cans, and drank them in my car. All in one go. At the same time. I didn't drive anywhere though. I was in my driveway after a night at working. Earlier that night I had eaten a king size twirl, a king size kit kat, a packet of toobs, and a chocolate Big M. All between 7pm - 10pm.
The guilt you feel from doing this is far worse and more depressing than the depression itself. It's such a deadly cycle, and unless you're an emotional eater, it's hard for people to really understand.
But, something happened last Tuesday. I woke up with such clarity. I had this huge cloud over me for so long, and for some reason I was clear. I suddenly knew what I needed to focus on - my weight.
I jumped on the scales, and my eyes started to water as I saw 107.9kg. I was so angry with myself. So disgusted. All I wanted to do was eat, but I fought it. Instead, I went and joined weight watchers that week, and took control.
So thats it. I have bee so good all week. Only eating what my body needs. I've been having my protein serve at lunch, and steamed vegies for dinner most nights. Ive walked 7.5km this week, which isn't alot for me, but was a hige effort, as I haven't exercised for quite a while. I feel a bit lighter, but only time will tell.
The challenge will be to stay in control after I've weighed in, and not turn to food for comfort if it's not the result I want. I have to be careful, because I can feel myself getting a tad obsessive with this, and don't want to end up like Mum, who has had Anorexia Nervosa 5 times, and was commited for 3 of those times.
Wish me luck. I weigh in at 9am. Lord, give me strength...
My life has been a downward spiral for a number of months now, and I feel like I have taken comfort in the one thing I can control - what goes in my mouth.
I started my medication last week. Up until then, I was medicating myself with food. Bad food. I simply stopped caring. Of course it didn't treat my depression, but it took away the pain for a while.
I bought 2 family size kit kat blocks and ate them. In one go. At the same time. Then vomited.
I bought 6 Jim Beam cans, and drank them in my car. All in one go. At the same time. I didn't drive anywhere though. I was in my driveway after a night at working. Earlier that night I had eaten a king size twirl, a king size kit kat, a packet of toobs, and a chocolate Big M. All between 7pm - 10pm.
The guilt you feel from doing this is far worse and more depressing than the depression itself. It's such a deadly cycle, and unless you're an emotional eater, it's hard for people to really understand.
But, something happened last Tuesday. I woke up with such clarity. I had this huge cloud over me for so long, and for some reason I was clear. I suddenly knew what I needed to focus on - my weight.
I jumped on the scales, and my eyes started to water as I saw 107.9kg. I was so angry with myself. So disgusted. All I wanted to do was eat, but I fought it. Instead, I went and joined weight watchers that week, and took control.
So thats it. I have bee so good all week. Only eating what my body needs. I've been having my protein serve at lunch, and steamed vegies for dinner most nights. Ive walked 7.5km this week, which isn't alot for me, but was a hige effort, as I haven't exercised for quite a while. I feel a bit lighter, but only time will tell.
The challenge will be to stay in control after I've weighed in, and not turn to food for comfort if it's not the result I want. I have to be careful, because I can feel myself getting a tad obsessive with this, and don't want to end up like Mum, who has had Anorexia Nervosa 5 times, and was commited for 3 of those times.
Wish me luck. I weigh in at 9am. Lord, give me strength...
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