Sunday, April 20, 2008

Crackin' the 100's...

As sad and pathetic as that is, it's this weeks goal.


Last Monday I was 102.5kg, yesterday was 101.1kg.


No way am I going to meet April's goal.


I went to the gym last Saturday and Monday, and walked 4km in 40mins. I burnt 380 calories each time.

This week I go tomorrow, Wednesday, and Saturday morning. I will try to walk longer in my 40 mins on the treddy.

I need to also include 2 photos here, for motivational purposes:





Thisis me at a shocking 127kg in September 2003. If anything, I had really nice hair back then, ROFL!


I find it so overwhelming, and sickening, that I was that big. I mean, back then I knew I was big, but didn't feel that big. I mean, that's HUGE!


And this, me at my lightest @ 89kg:




I still fit into those jeans. They're my favourite wide leg jeans, but for some reason, they're skin tight on my thighs lol!!

I'm angry at just how fast it all came back on, yet getting it off is such an emotional and physically draining, lifelong pain in my rear.

Next Monday, the plan is to be under 100kg. Wish me luck....

Friday, April 11, 2008

The God honest truth.

After thinking long and hard, and having discussions with my GP, we've decided looking into something long term to aid weightloss and maintain a healthy weight.

Although, as I wirte this, I feel like a failure. I can't do it myself, no matter how hard I try. I have to starve myself to lose weight, and I don't want to do that long term. I don't want to get down to 80 or 70, then blink and be 100, or even worse. I don't want to binge when I'm emotional. I sometimes think it was be easier to be dependant on something other than food, like heroin or gambling, as at least then, from an outsiders POV as I walk down the street, I'd look normal. I'd look like a normal, size 12-14 female, like the one that just passed me.

I am miserable, and I can feel myself sliding into a depressive state. And, being an emotional eater, when I'm miserable, I binge. It's like a drug, and something people mock. "Just don't eat!".

Yeah, righto.

Because I've never lost a considerable amount of weight ever before, I've never experienced putting some of it back on. I really, and I mean really, hate myself at the moment. All that hard work, the starving, the gym, sessions, THE MONEY, for what? For me to go from 89kg to 100kg. I am disgusted with myself for allowing it to happen. The worst thing is, you know what makes me feel better? Yup, eating.

I have limited girlfriends, and have always bonded better and had more in common with males, all throughout my life. I have one friend, let's call him H, who I don't see very often. Actually, he's not even a friend. Just someone I know through someone, if ya get me. Anyways, I saw him on my way home from a Hen's night the other night, and he was blown away with how well I scrub up. He stood there, looking at me, saying things like "You look amazing!", "My God Amber, you're gorgeous!", and the one I remember most, "You're fucking HOT!". It was nothing special. Light blue jeans, boots, a halterneck top and my hair straight. I actually left home going "Why bother Ambs, you don't look and less fatter".

I started to cry. I was so embarrassed. But God, I wish I could feel as good as those compliments sounded. Those are the kinds of things you say to a normal sized, attractive woman, not me. I don't warrant such gorgeous compliments, and certainly don't deserve them weighing over 100kg. H gave me a huge hug, and I left a snot trail on his shirt lol! He tried to re-affirm that I was attractive, but it just left me feeling like a fool, and that he must've felt obligated to compliment me seeing as one could see the effort that had gone in.

I really wish things like this made a difference. I wish genuine comments from people made me feel better, but they make me feel worse. Worse because I know I've looked better. Surely I looked better at 89kg? And, even then, surely I'd look better at 79kg? It's just such a long, long way, and so hard. It's so easy to put on weight, but such an emotional and physical drain to lose it. I work until midnight 3 days a week surrounded by chocolate, and I'm seriously considering quitting just to get myself out of that enviroment.

I'm going to a seminar on lapband surgery for long term hunger and weight assistance this week. I will also be seeing someone for my mental health. Simply exercising and cutting back on food isn't doing it anymore. The whole package needs addressing. I feel like such a fool and a huge failure admitting that. This is simple science, and something I should be able to do, especially seeing as I've done it before.

Please wish me luck...

I just feel like my life is out of control ATM.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

My "old, skinny clothes"...

Not once in my life have I ever had a piece of clothing I used to fit, and no longer do. I remember vividly weighing 93kg at age 13 when I first joined Weight Watchers.

Well, going through the cupboard today trying to find something to wear for first day back at school tomorrow left me feeling heartbroken, just absolutely heartbroken.

I have SOOO many items of clothing that no longer fit.

Sexy strapless tops, which I remember a very good friend saying I looked like a movie star in at dinner once, I can't wear anymore. They fit, but it's just not a good look. My favourite pair of jeans I can't wear. I can do them up, but again, you can clearly see they need to be a size bigger.

How did this happen? How did I go from 89kg to 102kg? Just last July I was 89kg. Now I feel like a house.

I've NEVER experienced these emotions before. These huge emotions of feeling like such a failure. Like that 2 years of working my arse off was for nothing.

Onl;y now when I look back at 89kg photos can I see just how much I've lost. When I was at 89kg, I still felt like that fat girl, and eating in public made me so nervous. God, I'd give anything to be 89kg again. I'd appreciate it so much more this time, knowing that (for me), that was an amazing weight to be at. It was a HUGE life achievement for me to get there, and I'd lik to think I can do it again, but to be honest, I just don't know if I have the fight anymore.

My weight and emotional eating will be with me for life. It will be a daily battle for me. I feel like some kind of addict.

I just don't know if a lifetime of not eating this and not eating that is truely what I want. I want to be able to eat something, and not feel guilt for doing so. I'd like to be able to go to Maccas and order something other than a salad, just once, but I feel extremely guilty for even thinking it, so I don't.

I just want to be normal. I want to look normal. I want to feel normal.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Smaller goals me thinks.

So anyways, I'll weigh-in tomorrow, and will try and tackle this on a monthly basis. I'm hoping it doesn't send me into a spiral of binging for 2 weeks, then working my arse of the remaining 2.

Weight @ 02/04:
Weight by 01/05: 95kg
Weight by 01/06: 90kg
10kg GOAL - REWARD: My star tattoo! :D
Weight by 01/07: 85kg
Weight by 01/08: 80kg
Weight by 01/09: 75kg!!!!

Gee, it's so easy written down lol. How the hell do I tackle this?!?!?!

My birthday is the 19/09, and by golly, I plan to paint the town red should I be around the high 70's!