Not once in my life have I ever had a piece of clothing I used to fit, and no longer do. I remember vividly weighing 93kg at age 13 when I first joined Weight Watchers.
Well, going through the cupboard today trying to find something to wear for first day back at school tomorrow left me feeling heartbroken, just absolutely heartbroken.
I have SOOO many items of clothing that no longer fit.
Sexy strapless tops, which I remember a very good friend saying I looked like a movie star in at dinner once, I can't wear anymore. They fit, but it's just not a good look. My favourite pair of jeans I can't wear. I can do them up, but again, you can clearly see they need to be a size bigger.
How did this happen? How did I go from 89kg to 102kg? Just last July I was 89kg. Now I feel like a house.
I've NEVER experienced these emotions before. These huge emotions of feeling like such a failure. Like that 2 years of working my arse off was for nothing.
Onl;y now when I look back at 89kg photos can I see just how much I've lost. When I was at 89kg, I still felt like that fat girl, and eating in public made me so nervous. God, I'd give anything to be 89kg again. I'd appreciate it so much more this time, knowing that (for me), that was an amazing weight to be at. It was a HUGE life achievement for me to get there, and I'd lik to think I can do it again, but to be honest, I just don't know if I have the fight anymore.
My weight and emotional eating will be with me for life. It will be a daily battle for me. I feel like some kind of addict.
I just don't know if a lifetime of not eating this and not eating that is truely what I want. I want to be able to eat something, and not feel guilt for doing so. I'd like to be able to go to Maccas and order something other than a salad, just once, but I feel extremely guilty for even thinking it, so I don't.
I just want to be normal. I want to look normal. I want to feel normal.
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