The God honest truth.

After thinking long and hard, and having discussions with my GP, we've decided looking into something long term to aid weightloss and maintain a healthy weight.

Although, as I wirte this, I feel like a failure. I can't do it myself, no matter how hard I try. I have to starve myself to lose weight, and I don't want to do that long term. I don't want to get down to 80 or 70, then blink and be 100, or even worse. I don't want to binge when I'm emotional. I sometimes think it was be easier to be dependant on something other than food, like heroin or gambling, as at least then, from an outsiders POV as I walk down the street, I'd look normal. I'd look like a normal, size 12-14 female, like the one that just passed me.

I am miserable, and I can feel myself sliding into a depressive state. And, being an emotional eater, when I'm miserable, I binge. It's like a drug, and something people mock. "Just don't eat!".

Yeah, righto.

Because I've never lost a considerable amount of weight ever before, I've never experienced putting some of it back on. I really, and I mean really, hate myself at the moment. All that hard work, the starving, the gym, sessions, THE MONEY, for what? For me to go from 89kg to 100kg. I am disgusted with myself for allowing it to happen. The worst thing is, you know what makes me feel better? Yup, eating.

I have limited girlfriends, and have always bonded better and had more in common with males, all throughout my life. I have one friend, let's call him H, who I don't see very often. Actually, he's not even a friend. Just someone I know through someone, if ya get me. Anyways, I saw him on my way home from a Hen's night the other night, and he was blown away with how well I scrub up. He stood there, looking at me, saying things like "You look amazing!", "My God Amber, you're gorgeous!", and the one I remember most, "You're fucking HOT!". It was nothing special. Light blue jeans, boots, a halterneck top and my hair straight. I actually left home going "Why bother Ambs, you don't look and less fatter".

I started to cry. I was so embarrassed. But God, I wish I could feel as good as those compliments sounded. Those are the kinds of things you say to a normal sized, attractive woman, not me. I don't warrant such gorgeous compliments, and certainly don't deserve them weighing over 100kg. H gave me a huge hug, and I left a snot trail on his shirt lol! He tried to re-affirm that I was attractive, but it just left me feeling like a fool, and that he must've felt obligated to compliment me seeing as one could see the effort that had gone in.

I really wish things like this made a difference. I wish genuine comments from people made me feel better, but they make me feel worse. Worse because I know I've looked better. Surely I looked better at 89kg? And, even then, surely I'd look better at 79kg? It's just such a long, long way, and so hard. It's so easy to put on weight, but such an emotional and physical drain to lose it. I work until midnight 3 days a week surrounded by chocolate, and I'm seriously considering quitting just to get myself out of that enviroment.

I'm going to a seminar on lapband surgery for long term hunger and weight assistance this week. I will also be seeing someone for my mental health. Simply exercising and cutting back on food isn't doing it anymore. The whole package needs addressing. I feel like such a fool and a huge failure admitting that. This is simple science, and something I should be able to do, especially seeing as I've done it before.

Please wish me luck...

I just feel like my life is out of control ATM.